My Beloved Bicycle,
I pulled up next to you this morning in my beat up van, exhausted, alone, lost. Really I can’t tell you the relief I felt when I saw you still there, intact, undisturbed after what I’m sure was a pretty raucous Halloween weekend. You are locked in front of some of the lamest, yet most frequented dance establishments in this little college town. I had not seen you since Wednesday night when I went to get a drink after my class was over at 10 PM.
I’m sorry I left you. I took a cab home. It wasn’t for the usual reasons of why I leave you abandoned on a main street, vulnerable to any passerby with a destructive mind. I know in the past I’ve left you locked up in front of bars while I am too wasted to use you to get me home. Yes I’ve been a bad drunk to you. I’ll never forget that evening when I left you locked up in front of the Sportsman after a nice holiday Midnight Ridazz ride when I couldn’t stop taking tequila shots. Not only did I throw up all over myself and the back of my friend’s car, I lost the key to the lock I put around you to keep you safe. I made sure to come back as soon as I could to make a public spectacle on Figueroa Street with a Sawsall to get back in your saddle. Or how could I forget the time after a long drug and booze filled Cinco de Mayo where I lost another key. I had the SB Fire Department cut you loose. I never thought about your safety while I partied. This time I left you not to have drunken fun.
I was just tired, weak, and full of sadness. It’s been a couple months of feeling despondent. I’m despondent for a variety of reasons, but partly because I haven’t gotten to enjoy you like I typically do. Really bici, you have defined me more than anything, anyone else. I remember when I first met you as an adult. It was out of irresponsibility that we ended up together. I totaled a car and was shit out of money, but I’m glad I was. You showed me a better way to live. You showed me to slow down and smell the world. You’ve introduced me to some of my closest friends. We enjoy days and nights of moving through space and being present in it. We don’t cut ourselves off from the elements. You’ve also taught me to think about how I treat my world and reconsider what progress and growth really mean.
You are beautiful and incredible. This is not to say we have had our tough times. There are times I am too physically or emotionally vulnerable to push my body through the hot or the cold to get to where I need to be. I want someone else to come help me, or to hold my hand. It is when I use you to commute that we have our greatest dysfunctions. I just want to be with you for fun, but I have to work and go to school. My responsibilities keep me from spending quality time with you. It’s always rushed, and somewhat bitter times. This is especially true if I’m having a difficult time with a lover or overloaded with work. Lately I’ve been emotionally spent. I know you can’t come in and give me a warm embrace. I have to warmly embrace you.
Perhaps this is the biggest lesson you have taught me my bici. Inner strength and inner peace. When I spent a month with you traveling down the coast I never felt more empowered. Day and night we just existed without anyone to rely on emotionally or physically. We just were. Sometimes you would give me trouble, but I would make sure to slow down and see what was wrong. I breathed and knew all I had was myself. You were the first thing I thought of when my boyfriend and I of five years parted ways. I grabbed you, and put you on the train with me when I ran away. I rode you around when I did not know what I was going to do with my life. You helped me just exist in the moment. This lesson rings true in my recent tough times. Only difference is I have not had that free time to just be with you and the ocean. I know we will have our time again soon and it will be sweet.
Until then I will look at you from afar and wipe a tear from my eye. Thanks for all the memories and helping me to take care of myself. You are not just a political statement, a symbol of a subculture, a mode of transportation, you are an expression of myself and how I can truly love myself when no one else can.
With much love,
Juana del oeste