To this Valentine’s Day
I have a piece of shit van that only runs because I think it will. Over the past couple months, it’s been a shortcut to trouble. It’s also a keen accessory. Both in fashion and crime. It helps me run away from the fear factory of age, poverty, loneliness. It’s a hangover haven. Just me in my little sunroom.
As the wrinkles set into my face, my skin gets discolored, and the circles around my eyes darken, I look into my rearview mirror less and less. I don’t want to see myself. I don’t recognize my face anymore and there is no need to look back. Like Dylan in the movies. If I only move forward I don’t need to look in the rearview mirror anyways. So I try to only move forward. Get myself straight.
Over the past couple months I’ve driven from Joshua Tree up through the Sierras finding lust and love. Every weekend is an adventure. There is a tribe out there. A wandering traveling tribe whom serves as a reflective surface. A fucking rearview mirror. The lives that I envy. The beauty that I envy. I need to tear that damn thing off.
If only I had never gone to college and gotten into debt. I could be here or there doing this and that… all the time…
But the great bodhisattva, guru, teacher (whatever is en vogue) that is the pacific ocean has taught me to let go. These ionic bonds will break. I will become a breath of air and and drop of water along with everything else that has ever and will exist.
Take the bottle of whisky and swig. Take the bottle of tequila and swig.
So I drive forward drinking it all up. The strange places I’ve woken up in. Nature is beautiful but so is dancing to amplified music under flashing lights. I drove to Joshua Tree to take some photographs alone and dry out for a few days before the New Year. I wandered down a trail with my heavy bag and awkwardly climbed up some rocks to watch the sunset with myself. The wind roared it’s dragon breath against my ear drums. It’s easier to climb up then to come back down.
Among the rocks I find the feeling of home. I want to embrace them (similar to the feeling I have towards the ocean) with such strength and intense passion that it melts into my being, I cease being human, and I am one with it. You always have to come back down. I drove forward. My discomfort sets in.
The camp was full.
I went over to Pappy and Harriet’s to get human again. Rejoin a bit of civil-lies-ation? Civil-libation? My van is a bar next to the bar. I swig on some cheap tequila to get warm. I step inside and move towards the band. The music and the heat of the alcohol put everything on autopilot. Oh fun. Oh here I am. Next thing I know I am just being in the Tree of Josh for the next few days not thinking and smoking some spliffs. The secret is that if the camp is full, the camp is not really full. That’s what they want you to think. Don’t get discouraged. Nothing is permanent.
There was a lot of sunbathing on rocks. Looking up at the sky. There’s not a lot of words I needed to say. I just let my body feel what it needed to in the absence of an analytical mind. I drove on. Don’t look back.
Then I straddled my thighs around Big Sur and let all it’s majesty pour into me. I sweat my way to the top of something big. A panorama. There I was in silence again. Feeling peaceful. Then you have to always come back down. And I drove forward. And the discomfort sets in. And I found wine and music to commiserate with my homo sapiens in the strange misfortunes we have experienced. Lots of weird shit.
I love the weird shit. Some risks must be taken.
In between it all I’m over carpeted floors and between cubicle walls. Dry as a bone. But that is OK.
Nothing is permanent.
These are just words. I need to let go of my fear of their inadequacies. Sometimes you have to censor the true story. It’ll get told another day. Trust me it’s much more interesting.
This Valentine’s Day I am in love with the pain as much as the joy. To all the lips I have kissed. To all the bodies I’ve held. To all the words of lust and love exchanged. To all the promises kept and broken. The truth and the lies. I let it all go.
I drive forward.